Stop Saying Sorry – when you don’t really mean it
Why are we constantly saying, “I’m sorry” for things we aren’t actually sorry for? For not answering our phones, for not responding quickly enough, for not attending yet another virtual work happy hour we tentatively accepted the invite to – And, finally, for saying something we sincerely meant but felt the need to add “I’m sorry” before stating our truth out of fear that it might hurt the person on the receiving end’s feelings.
Sound familiar? All ring true for me, especially in a time when the norm seems to be walking on eggshells of political correctness – tiptoeing around one's feelings or differing point of view.
I’ve said sorry countless times when I haven’t truly meant it, because I don’t like to upset or disappoint people, especially those who I care about the most. I think we often say sorry to avoid the bigger conversations, the most uncomfortable ones. In my opinion, this is a big part of the issues manifesting in our relationships and society.
The only way to try to understand each other and find common ground, or mutual respect, is to speak our truth and fully listen to one another – to drop the default prompt or response of “I’m sorry.”
To be clear, I’m not arguing that saying sorry is bad or wrong, but rather it should be reserved for when we actually mean it – instead of an autopilot response every time we perceive that someone else may be less than pleased by something we did or something we said.
You might be thinking to yourself: why is this important, relevant to me, and why is she writing about this? I hope this message resonates with you, and inspires you to stop apologizing for matters that aren't your fault.
Like many of you, over the last few months, I’ve been communicating with friends and family more than ever. And effective communication, particularly virtually, in a time of distress has perhaps been the biggest challenge I’ve faced. In quarantine, I’ve learned pretty quickly that I need to drop the default “I’m sorry” in order to develop mutual understanding and healthy boundaries in my relationships.
While I’m still working on it, I’ve noticed that once I stop apologizing for trivial things that I’m not really sorry for, I’m able to cultivate deeper, more insightful conversations – with my husband, parents, friends and acquaintances.
Even if my dad and I don’t see eye-to-eye on every political issue, and I can’t fully understand what my best friend is going through with a tough loss – my goal is to have sincere conversations, to not brush differences or lack of understanding under the rug as a lost cause – and to actually listen to each other with intention.
“The only truth for you is what you perceive in your world. With this awareness, there’s nothing to prove to anyone. It’s not about being right or wrong.” – one of my favorite books, The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, sums it up better than I could.
Key Takeaway (if you’ve made it this far): challenge yourself to notice when you’re on autopilot and save sorry for when you really mean it. I guarantee with this new awareness, you’ll create healthier boundaries, have less drama, and open yourself up to more meaningful discussions.